What I'm Thankful For

Relatives packed the house for Thanksgiving this year.

For starters, Sandra and her husband came in from Puerto Rico, Cathy, her daughter Aolani, and their huge dog drove down from Newburgh, and Titi Carmen flew in from Denver.

With all this family I should be happy and thankful, but I'm 26 years old and more depressed than a Vegas showgirl harlot stuck playing the Virgin Mary in a Puritan Christmas pageant. Now, those of you that actually know me are saying, "but Dan you've got a steady girlfriend, your own place, and a good job." Other optimists say, "but Dan there are people who are so much worse off than you." Then there are the pessimists that say, "I've got it worse than you. Why just the other day I got teabagged in my sleep by a rabid squirrel." To all you, even the teabagged, I say while the individual circumstances of our lives are not determined by ourselves, the way we meet the challenges that arise are what determine who we are as people. My particular challenge is dealing with the demons in my mind.

Honestly, for the past three months I've been looking in the mirror and trying to figure out "why the long face." The conclusion is I don't think I've accomplished enough with my time on this Earth. Twenty-six years is a long time to do something! Granted, for the first fourteen years I didn't know how to control my own life or wipe my own ass. Since then I've learned how to control my own life and I'm not happy with the squishy results. I've graduated from a prestigious four-year institution. I've worked for a major publishing house. As an educator I've self-published several books and inspired a few young minds here and there. However, aside from the words and leadership skills I was born with and the ability to beat video games on hard I don't feel like I've done much. Every time I see someone pick up a guitar and strum out a tune, every time someone shows me their beautiful art, or every time someone takes a stage and sets it aflame I cringe a bit. I won't lie, envy stirs within me like parisitic larvae. I just feel every minute I've wasted trying to get a classes' attention, or every hour I've wasted trying to get ALL my characters to level 99 could have been spent in a more productive fashion.

Which brings me to the squeaky door hinge that's been slowly jarring open since you began reading this blog. For two paragraphs I've concentrated on some negative things, but this is Thanksgiving and I need to be thankful for something. So here I go. I purposely left out one relative at the beginning of this post. My cousin Jason drove in from Denver. It is the first time I've seen my cousin in over a year. I love my cousin like a brother because he was there for me when my brother never was. He was the first in my immediate family to graduate college. He was the first to pack up all his worldly belongings and leave this dirty lightshow of New York for something solar-powered and brighter. He's the only person in my family to have made a career out of art! Jason showed me that life is about dreaming. The Aboriginals of Australia believe the same thing, that this reality is a dream that can be manipulated by a strong enough mind.

I am thankful for my cousin that showed my the power of a positive mind. A prime example of this power is demonstrated by the very foundations of this potentially egregious holiday. For the most part when people think of Thanksgiving people don't think of Puritan settlers destroying Native Americans and their culture. People think of food, family, football, and great holiday sales. Americans are notorious in other countries for their short-term memories. However, the families that gather together, the people who donate food and clothing for the less fortunate, and the obscure individuals who disappear for long periods of time, but come back into our lives for the holidays, are thankful for an opportunity to do so. Our nation's energy and devotion to creating a positive mythos for this colonists holiday demonstrates the power of a mind. Three hundred years have passed and positive ideas have come from negative circumstances.

Jason showed up and I didn't have to awkwardly ask, "So how's everything been?" He showed up with the announcement that he is moving back to New York and starting a family. He came and introduced the new additions to our family. In spite of all he's been through, he's still striving and still growing. This shows me that there's always time to do something positive. I am thankful that there is still time to learn new things and write more pages. I am thankful for having my family here after not seeing them for the past year. I am thankful to have a beautiful girlfriend and a newly renovated apartment. Perhaps my challenge is not finding a way to deal with my demons, perhaps it is finding a way to convert the hellfire in my thoughts to passionate energy.

Happy Thanksgiving to anyone and everyone I've ever had the pleasure of meeting in my life.