Nuff dollars make sense, while you ride the bench
Catch me swinging for the fence
Dead Presidents, ya know” – Jay-Z, “Dead Presidents II
My accountant called me after E-filing my income tax return and informed me that because of the extra income I had this year I actually have to pay the government $1,500. He tried to convince me to let him increase my charitable contributions and work expenses so I wouldn’t have to pay as much. The problem with his solution, however, is that if the government decides to look into my $4,000 of charitable donations they’d find that $3,800 worth of pudding snacks, kitkats, and snickerdoodle cookies does not count towards helping Haiti in any way. I told Sam to just send me the bill and let me pay up because there’s no sense in getting upset about this kind of thing. In this same spirit I can’t really get angry with the government. I have to pay, simply because I wouldn’t know who to argue with. Who can one really argue with about owing taxes? The head of the IRS? President Obama? Ted Dibiase and Irwin R. Scheister? (If you know you those men are you need to stop watching old wrestling.) Instead I decided that it would be more fun to write up a list of possibilities on what government accountants can do with my money.
Possibility 1: Spread the Love
Current Population of the United States: 307,006,550
Each citizen could receive .0000049 of a cent of my money. I know it doesn’t sound like much. However, with the rate of inflation in the next 2,000 years that would mean a dime for everyone! Of course, to get that dime you’d have to survive 12/21/12 and have children. Then your children and their descendants would have to survive World War III, the second coming of Jesus, the return of Chuck Norris, the third coming of Jesus, the invasion of hell lead by Charles Bronson, and the rise of Magneto. However difficult the perseverance of some would guarantee that dime. Only the strongest survive, right?
Possibility 2: Office Party
Government accountants, I imagine, are bland little men with big glasses, gray suits, combovers, and an unhealthy obsession with exotic women. It’s rare that they get out and it’s even rarer that they have fun. So the way I figure it, they could use my check for $1,500 a kick-ass office party! The following is a list of expenses:
- $1,500 – One really, really, really good Philippina Masseuse, YOU KNOW…
Possibility 3: Educate the Less Fortunate
My $1,500 can be used as a prize for an essay contest for young, Latino college hopefuls. The essay topic would be:
“How has your life as a young Latino in the United States been influenced by Mun2, reggaeton, Spanglish (because you can’t really speak either language), or reading “The House on Mango Street” every year since 7th grade because you can relate to it?”
The winner would be Frederico Rivas of San Diego, CA. He would use the $1500 to attend Flagler College in Boca Raton, Florida and to buy books for his three Latino studies classes. He would then use the pages of these books to keep him warm later in life when he finds that none of his classes teach “The House on Mango Street.”
Eventually the Romero Latino Scholarship Essay Competition would be exposed as a fraudulent contest when the press learns that the committee reading the essays is actually composed of a spider money, a really cute bunny rabbit, and Paris Hilton as opposed to Daniel Romero and his friends Rhodes (roll the “R”) and Scholar (pronounced with a Spanish “o” because it’s a Latino essay contest).
Possibility 4: Stimulus for Business
Our country’s corporations and big-wigs have fallen on dire straights. Where once a CEO could earn $10 million plus, now they can only earn a measly $1 million. These CEOs are suffering and so are our companies. Because CEOs can’t make the same money a lot of people are losing their jobs. So I say why not use my money to help these poor unfortunate pioneers and innovators of industry.
Things corporate CEOs could buy with my $1,500:
- A box of finely rolled Cuban cigars and use the remaining change to light the cigars
- Half a sandalwood desk from the finest Chinese craftsman in Southern Nigeria
- Trip to Jamaica for a business conference with his secretary
- PHEASANT HUNT!
- One night with a Czechoslovakian call-girl named Svetla
- Leather pants for Jake, his mister-ess (Is this what a male mistress is called?)
- One pair of glasses carved from the feet of the rare, blind albino rhino; this type of rhino is only found in the darkest parts of the deepest caves in Central Australia
- Laser eye surgery, to save a blind albino rhino
- Set of dishes made from materials so rare that only rich people know what they’re called (No, I could not think of a funny word for the rare material, creativity is hard!)
Possibility 5: Sponsor Children in Foreign Countries
People don’t really like to share their income tax information with each other because it’s personal and stuff. So, knowing this information, President Obama decided to hatch a brilliant evil scheme. Maybe, just maybe, President Obama had one of the Democrats in Congress attach a rider to the 900 Zillion Dollar stimulus bill. This rider guaranteed that 2/3s of Americans pay back the government this year, instead of getting refunds. This wasn’t an underhanded ploy by Obama to steal our money or to cheat the American people. Rather, this was a diplomatic and kind-hearted, underhanded ploy by Obama to take from the rich and give it to starving children in other countries.
Think about it. President Obama promised us change and we haven’t really seen it yet. It’s because Obama is secretly changing the world, one income tax return at a time. Imagine if the $700 you paid back went to help little Abdi in Somalia and little Maria in Ecuador. This way change would happen eventually. Someday little Abdi, little Maria, and all the rest of the little children he helps will grow up to join Obama’s band of merry campaigners and supporters. This in turn would guarantee that Obama’s second term in office, which finally comes to pass in 2024, can actually bring change to the world. I’m warning my readers now that I will someday return to this post-apocalytpic 2024 where Obama returns from the land of shadows to bring justice to a desolate future. Obama, shot-gun in one hand and machete in the other, sets out across post-apocalyptic America in search of Denzel Washington’s mummified remains and a better tomorrow.
To think this is all possible thanks to the fact that I made a little too much money this year.
Leave comments, suggestions, ideas, and general love. Thanks!
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